Understanding the Triggers

The last time that I thought of killing myself I was 22.   I chambered a single hollow point round in my pistol and clicked off the safety.  Over the next hour or so I made a pro’s and con’s list of why or why not be here anymore.  This was not the first time I thought of killing myself, nor even the first time I had a plan to end it or even took steps towards that plan.  It was though, probably the closest I came and the last time I thought about killing myself.

By this time, I had been on the fence for a while on whether or not to be here and decided that I can’t keep doing what I am doing.  Either I was going to end it, or I was just going to go on and deal with things.  I was in a bad place in many aspects of my life and it had finally come to a head.  In the end, it was not the pro and cons list I created in my head, or any of the aftermath that might come of my death that kept me here.  I realized through it all that I needed a reason to keep going.  I simply needed a reason to be here.  Something I could turn to and hang on to and use as my mantra when I needed it.  I found that reason and it has gotten me through a lot.  If you are in a spot like that, find a reason to hang on to, a reason to keep going.  Stopping will not make anything better, keep fighting.  After figuring out a reason I was in a better spot.  Depressed, but in a safer spot.  Since that afternoon ending my life has not crossed my mind.  I knew that at some point I should go and see someone.  I would a little more than 2 years later, I finally went to go get some help with my depression.

I was medicated at that point and the MD told me that yes, I was depressed.  After being on medication for a while I found that the side effects from the medication were worse than the depression for me, so I stopped my medication and figured I would just deal with it.  Depression was not new to me and so I figured I would just deal with it the best I could.  I have not gone back to the doctor for depression; I have managed it on my own since.  I try and deal with the issues that make me depressed, which is much harder because there are numerous issues.  I take one at a time.  Over the course of the next decade plus there were times the depression was worse, sometimes it was better, but it was always there.

Then Kyanna got cancer.

Then Kyanna died.

Death and depression go hand and hand.  Each can be cited as the cause of the other.  Neither are things that ever go away.  They are simply things you carry.  Sometimes the load is light and others days it can feel like it is crushing you.  There are many aspects of depression people don’t recognize or don’t acknowledge, however the depression that can come with the death of a child is not one of them.   When your child dies there is depression among a host of other emotions that will follow.  For me depression was not new just harder, for my wife it was new and hard.  There are days everything is going fine and then suddenly something happens that reminds you of your child and what you lost, things you won’t do, things you miss, a sadness you can’t explain.  Sometimes you can pull yourself out, some days you can’t.   For anyone that has lost someone they love they understand that these feelings are ongoing, they never end.  There has not or do I think there will be a day or hour that I don’t think about Kyanna.   She is the closest thing to me that I can’t see, I can only feel.  That can be hard to deal with.  Over time that weight can be unbearable.  I understand death and depression because I stood at that precipice many years before.  I understand why some choose to go over the edge.   After Kyanna died, Jeni and I talked and I told her of the last time I thought about ending my life and up until that point I don’t think I ever told anyone about it.  I think I hinted, but I never told anyone that story.  I told her and I told her that I would be here no matter how bad it got, I was staying here.  After all I had a reason to be here and it was as good now as it was then.  I told her why I was staying and hoped that she would stay here with me and she has.

After Kyanna died I started researching why.  How does a 7-year-old get brain cancer?  What I found was uncomfortable but at the same time explained a lot for me and my depression as well as how Kyanna got cancer.  EMF’s were not the sole responsibility of my depression; there are and remain to be many factors that go into that.  EMF’s can alter biological processes.    There are many studies that deal with EMF’s and depression.  Suicide rates rose with the electrification of the US as read here.  Suicide rates are higher in urban area’s than rural, which of course have higher exposures rates.  EMF’s have been shown to lower melatonin levels as can be read here which can lead to depression.   There  are other papers that cite that EMF’s can cause depression like this one.  These are just some samples of the studies that link EMF’s to depression know there are more.  As I tried to find answers to explain what happened to Kyanna, I found an answer to explain things in my life. The times that I was the most depressed correlated with being in areas of high EMF’s.  That has been consistent throughout my life.

By addressing the EMF’s in my life, I have been able to get a better handle on my depression.  Do I still have issues with depression?  Yes, but it is much better than it was.  My mood swings are less, I am not as tired all the time, I am less angry, I sleep better, and most importantly I feel.  I am not numb.  Depression is something that will always be there and so you do the best to limit it as much as you can and learn constructive ways to deal with it.  With EMF’s I am aware of them and take steps to deal with them, because of all the issues that make my depression worse this is the easiest to deal with.  I act and for someone with depression that can be very hard to do.

If you are wondering how EMF’s are affecting you try these simple three things:

  1. Turn off your phone. Only use it if you must, otherwise keep it in airplane mode with the WiFi and Bluetooth shut off.  If you need to use the internet do it from a computer with a wired connection
  2. Shut off your WiFi when you are not using it. This is especially true at night.  Unplug it or put it on a timer.  This also goes for all of your electronic devices.
  3. Shut off the breaker to your bedroom at night to reduce exposure to dirty electricity. Install filters in areas that you need to be when you are awake and things are turned on.

If you have noticed, these are the three things I tell everyone, because for most people these are their biggest exposures.  In the short term, you can fix these things with a little effort.  In the long term, you will need to make more sustainable choices.  When you get to that point, let me know and I will help.   Life is too short to feel terrible or to not feel at all.  Joy is out there, hopefully you have a reason to find it.


4 thoughts on “Understanding the Triggers

  1. Erik Bottlemy

    God, I started out with everything I wanted to say in my head. And now I feel like its a jumbled mess. But maybe that’s part of my depression. I sat here and read you comments and cried. I never got to the point of chambering a bullet, but I’ve been depressed. I shut myself out and go into hiding. It’s cost me friends and jobs. But I’m here and I’m fighting. And I’m here for you. I can’t imagine what you have gone thru. But I am here at any point if you need to talk. There are so many other things I want to say but IDK if I can or should. I feel for you and love you Joe. Be strong! And I’m here if you need someone to……whatever.


    1. Thank you Erik. I am in a good spot now and have been for a while. I am not the only person that deals with depression. I hope by posting this someone else can get to a better place as well. I hope you keep fighting too. One day at a time.


  2. Brooke Gerber Kaldor

    I am glad you found your reason. Because you continued to fight, the world gained two beautiful children. And because you shared your story, others will certainly look for their reason and hopefully get the help they need. Sharing your story may be exactly what someone else needed to hear in order for them to keep fighting.
    My best to you, Jeni, and Ayden-always.


  3. Luci

    Peace be with you. You are inspirational and your words touch many people Joe, whether you know it or not you are spreading strong heartfelt multi dimensional messages that truly do make an impact. Thank you for sharing. Not to mention you really have a gift of writing. When can I get your autograph ?? 🙂


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